Dad

I just want to make it past the first year. I have heard it and I have said it. Like something magical happens that makes living without Dad easier. Like the second, third or God forbid tenth Christmas, Fathers Day, or day without him will somehow hurt less. I think that actually hurts more. The thought that I will have to go that long without seeing him, at times, seems too much to bear.

This anniversary I always knew would be the one year mark for me. A year ago yesterday I got a call from Dad and sat on my stairs and knew from his voice that what he was telling me was a life sentence. Greg said, have some hope, you don't know. But I did. In a way that is truly Dad, he got across what needed to be heard but couldn't be said.

The next three months were a blur and yet my memories of it could fill years. In the middle of feeling bad for myself, for Mom, for my family, for his friends, I would look at Dad and be amazed. Not one time did he falter from being Jerry Beck. Lord only knows what must have been going on in his head. A lesser person would have martyred, lapsed into self pity, or struck out in anger. But Dad died as he lived, and in doing so, taught us yet another life lesson. The man above all, could lead by example.

So we take that example and try to do him proud by doing the hardest thing there is to do, go on without him. Thankfully he was not the only awesome one in our universe of family and friends. And with everyone helping each other, we got through the unimaginable and will continue to do so, day by day. We are very lucky to have the family we have, and the friend who are as close as family.

I still can close my eyes and see his face and hear his voice. Heck, I can look at my nephews and see him live on. Mike and Chris make an Aunt (and Uncle) proud at how they have handled everything. And at an age where kids could use it as an excuse to act out and make it all about themselves. For crying out loud, I watch adults let life get the better of them and then rationalize their actions. But not my boys. Then Mike goes and proves my point in this beautiful post about Dad in the Guest Book. I think Michele might be paying to keep the guest book open another year now. :) If that doesn't do the trick - the post from Aunt Irene immediately following should seal the deal.

While I am lying here morning the lost of Dad, I am also anxiously waiting to hear word from Shannon and Danny as they are in the hospital today, hopefully - finally - poppin' out the kid. I guess that about sums it up. The give and take that is life.

I hope they have a boy.